I meet faces 
that are kind and gentle
who easily seek me out
call me first,
reply quickly,
ask about my day,
send gifts,
remember the little things,
wish they could see me every day,
offer embraces without hesitation,
and still
I pull away

Because I don’t feel anything
no matter how hard I try
or how long I wait,
it doesn’t make it better

Call it broken,
call it bruised,
call it weird, 
call it confused, 
but I’ve felt something deeper before 
and I want to feel it again
The excitement and eagerness
the loving and longing
the happiness when I see a message
the plans for the future
the quirks that should be icks but aren’t
the comfort of having someone to rely on
the vulnerability that comes freely
the assurance that it is real 

I often think about
the ones who don’t set me on fire
and wonder if they think about me too

Mariam Shittu