It’s like a continuous blow
A feeling you can’t shake
A hole that won’t close
A dream you can’t wake from 
A headache that is always throbbing 
A reminder you’d rather forget
A memory you wish you didn’t have

They visit you in dreams uninvited
And leave before you can speak
You reach for them in crowded rooms
But then you remember they’re gone
You wonder if you’ll always think of them 
Or if time will erase their face from your mind

The world is moving but they’re still
You’re elevating but they can’t see it
You have changed but they can’t witness it
They’re frozen in memory
While you’re melting into someone new
Will they be proud or confused
Or call you by the name you no longer use

You laugh loud
But the silence afterward lingers 
You love differently
But your joy is missing them
You smile at photos
But your eyes search the frame for them
You carry their name in quiet prayers
And in the words you never say
You hold back tears in public
And let them spill in safe spaces

You try to go on living 
But your mind and body remind you it’s final

Death is too final and I hate it.

Mariam Shittu