Sometimes I wonder
if I’m a burden
if I’m fulfilling a purpose
if I’m barely existing not living
if I shouldn’t have quit that job
or turned down that offer
if I shouldn’t have used those words
and simply kept quiet
if I should be writing
if I should be sharing this
if I should have made that call
if I should have let you in
if I should have gone under water even though I can’t swim

Sometimes I wonder
what life will be like
if I had no doubts and worries
if I hadn’t met you
if I hadn’t lost you
if I didn’t know what pain felt like
and had all the happiness in the world
if I won the lottery
and had all I ever wanted
if I spoke the greatest languages
and had the wisdom of a monk
if I didn’t care about people’s opinions
and did whatever I wanted

Most times I wonder why sometimes I think of all this.

Mariam Shittu

photo credit