I didn’t care much for emotional unavailability until I had to look it up on Google recently. And you know, for me to research it, it was because I felt like maybe someone was emotionally unavailable for me.
An emotionally unavailable person creates barriers to intimacy in your relationship and makes you feel unwanted and unloved. Feeling unwanted or unliked is a bad empty feeling, and I don’t wish it on anyone. It’s even worse when you can’t phantom why you’re head over heels in “like” with the person who is emotionally unavailable for you.
I met someone some months ago and soon realized that he is a lousy communicator. When I say bad, I mean terrible. A day could go by without a word from him if I didn’t reach out first. It’s a normal thing for the guy to initiate conversations and dates, right? I thought so, too, because that’s how other people had wooed me in the past. Anyway, I brought the extrovert out of me and initiated conversations. Of course, I couldn’t do this for long, not just because it was a struggle, I wasn’t being met halfway, so I mentioned it to him. The response I got was, “that’s actually how I am with everyone. Even my Mom and past girlfriends have complained.”
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Okay, Mr, this girl likes to know that someone is thinking of her, missing her and looking forward to when they’ll see her next. She doesn’t want to keep checking her phone, hoping you will text or call because she initiated the last three conversations you had, and she’s tired of doing that. He did apologize and said he’d do better but did he do better? Not really. On the flip side, whenever we hung out, it felt like we were super close and connected and saw each other just the day before. So I started wondering if he was emotionally unavailable, physically unavailable or just unbothered.
- Will someone unbothered make me feel wanted when he’s with me (in public and private)?
- Will he introduce me to everyone that matters to him?
- Will he ask personal questions that show he pays attention and cares about me?
- Will he check on my family and friends?
- Will he ask if I slept good and if I had eaten?
- Will he tell me about his fears and concerns?
It’s a couple of weeks later, and I’m calmer now because I had to remove myself from the situation. I guess I’ve moved over to the unbothered phase too.
I’ve come to realize that people have a right to decline your love no matter how pure your intentions are. Not everyone will like you the same way you want them, and you have to be okay with it.
So, what do you think? Was he unbothered, emotionally unavailable, physically unavailable, or I’m entirely wrong?
Mariam Shittu
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I’ve experienced something similar too recently. We didn’t meet up because of lockdown but we’ve been chatting and texting since January. He kept saying we would meet up when everything opened up again. Our conversations were very deep and personal and I thought we had a connection. Then I ended one of our text conversations abruptly because I recieved a message saying my niece was very ill, and explained why to him. Later that week i spoke to him again but he didn’t enquire how my niece was which upset me as I took an interest in his family when he mentioned them. I looked back through our messages and realised I always initiated the conversations and ended them, but we mostly talked about stuff happening in his life, his achievements, and his problems. And while he didn’t stop me from talking about my day he didn’t encourage or ask me about it. I didn’t mention it to him and we didn’t argue but I haven’t been in contact with him for over a month now and he’s not contacted me. That’s not the sort of one sided relationship I want. Honestly, I feel a bit used.
I don’t know if yours was emotionally unavailable or just unbothered, either way it’s not worth the effort if they can’t be bothered to try.
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I actually agree with Jen it is exactly a lot to deal and speaking from my personal experience its not worth the time or energy.
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Totally not worth it! I hope we get the serenity to accept all the things we can’t change.
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Girl, I don’t know which one he was but it sounded like a lot to deal with.
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I experienced something similar recently : I wasn’t really too bothered abt being contacted first(although it matters), but the thing is I tried to be more of an initiator bcos I was told that that’s what this person needs. However, I was almost always left hanging in an incomplete chat for as long as two weeks even though I expressed my displeasure. So I decided that we’ll.. I love me very much
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Speaking from my personal experience, it may not be the same for everyone. He may be interested in you, but has built so much of a “resistance” to being hurt and has zoned out from commitments or simply not interested in emotional talk. Hence the love and attention only when you’re around but no communication afterwards. People like that have built and mastered the ability to move-on thinking very short-sighted but may really like you or see themselves not good enough for you. My suggestions, if you really like and care for him, find out his real interests (maybe business, projects, sports, politics, books etc.). He’s more than likely a “cerebral person” You may be able to connect with him better when you stimulate him mentally and you’ll find out that the situation may change almost immediately. Ask him for business or academic advise and listen to him running his mouth for hours. He’ll surely be calling you everytime to enquire if his advice worked. People like that like to connect more intellectually than emotionally. Engage with him this way and then gradually slip in the emotional and relationship things. 🤞🏾He would most likely merry-go-round mushy talk but points will be passed, he may then see himself worthy of having you and would do all he can to keep you.
If he isn’t a cerebral person, then he’s just not interested.
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